Tuanya aku

Recently, my mother asks me,
"How old are you?"

What my mind's trying to depict is, "I'm 20." But the fact is , "I'm 21 this year."

Gulp!

I hold that thought for seconds and think,

"OMG I'M THAT OLD NOW."

Perhaps, for other people, being 21 is all good and okayy, everything is nice and wild, you are still fresh and teenage, but  me, i'm scared-to be honest.

I always think of death which may come anytime upon me, and by just having that thought, i can cry emotionally, sobbing at a tight dark corner. The force hits in so strong and sudden that i'm thinking- Ok, thats it. You've gotto do something in this life, Ain.

But of course, i'm being positive, considering all the nature aspects like my good health, nutritious food, frequent medical check up and do exercises but there are too many things out of our controls.

Then, the "WHAT IF" phrase came..
WHAT IF "the time" is now?
WHAT IF i fell here?
WHAT IF that car hits me?
WHAT IF , What if , what if...

Ifffff.

Hmm.

So, to make things clearer, i idolized somebodies but here, i really looked up on Allayarham Ahmad Ammar whom died at just 20 years old but all his good deeds somehow hint that he's guaranteed for heaven sake, Masyallah, Insyallah...!!
He did tremendous good things and he deserved all that.

Comparing THAT to myself, what have i done in my 20?

If God 'calls' me now, what do I do?
Have i had ENOUGH deeds to present to Him?
Am i qualified to knock the heaven's door?

All these Q&A linger non-stop and my wariness increasing.

We all can say;
I'm 13.
I'm 30.
I'm 78.
I'm 5 months old.

But you know, it isn't about "I'm this number.".

Its about that question.

WHAT IF?