Teared x Ruptured

I haven't been feeling really well these days. And if anyone asks me what is so different after hit the hypo, it defo gonna be ENERGY DEPLETION. I know myself too well that I can handle few days good even without sleeps but nowadays, no wayy man. Every time before the day not even end I wil be total flat-cannot walk or talk anymore. That's how bad I am these days. I may be young at heart, I always knew it because I wanted to do so much. I am active and love love LOVE outdoor jobs. But ever since hypo says Hye, I have to tolerate my body limit always. Can you imagine? Once, I was an active lady and I HATE doing NOTHING. I lovvvvvvvvvvvve travelling, busy life, hectic days and nights ahead, 10 metings a day, see the clients, make proposals, sheetssss of Excel to do, greet the public, go here and there. It was my life that I prayed for. But after hypo, its BIG THING CHANGED mannnn. Its so serious deal for me. Of course, I'm affected in some ways but I managed altered my life for good.

Strange, people did not see me as a sick person because they are right-I did not seem like one. I am not skinny thin or malnourished or too pale. But they never think that few of them hurts me SO MUCH. My body is hurt. I never compensate or pampere my body and restrict that "No body, you cannot do this."   Or going, "this will tire you so don't." But I really really really can't help this anymore because my body really forcing itself to be okay. I know my limits but people don't. None of them know. When I brave few words to explain "I might seem okay but actually I am so exhausted right now." They wil go "Oh c'mon! Jangan diikutkan sangat badan tu. Nanti pemalas. Nanti melarat. Blablabla..." These people know nothing. My heart shattered to pieces. If I was about to manja-ing my body, I never woke up from bed lah. I was curling, shaking, I cannot see straight yet they kept firing me lectures. These people: they do exist for "some" reason, do they?

The truh is, hypo people energy depletes really really fast. They are passionate to do or join many things but the body got limits. They did not want it but they have to RESPECT their body too. Rather than suddenly faint on streets which is much more nuisance it is better for them to say, "i need to rest". Even saying that "i need to rest" is burdensome for us because people got stigma, bad perception on how "we don't wanna get tired" well, thats not the real truth I tell you. Maybe , maybe some would use that as excuse but I speak for most, generally that is happening with our body. Every patient is different and their symptoms are different too.

Do research. Study. Read. And learn us, the hypothyroid people. It is NOT EASY. We cope with this so why don't you too? Let's change our lifestyle for good.

More than I could bear

It's true what Prophet Isa Son of Maryam (peace be upon Him) said that He (peace be upon Him) has many things to tell but the people (that time) cannot bear them at that moment that when the Soul of Truth (Prophet Muhammad SAW) comes He shall tell them all.

But I can adapt literal meaning of that to the issues in my hands now.

Guess I knew too much more than I can bear.

Allah. I submitted myself to You. Sincerely Insyallah.
Please ease my way to You.

Turning Points

Lately, I feel that there is lesser needs to talk to people. I think that I have spent too much time doing bad things, very unworthy. Gradually, I developed interest to become closer and closer to my Rabb. I am very sure that it is the REAL needs in my life. I am so contented to restart this journey. And to see where will I go after this. I had been in the point where I tried hard to please so many people yet they gave me too little (almost nothing) of appreciation. It was heart crushing.

As I grow up, I knew that these 9 billion humans would not be fully happy with me nor I would not be truly happy with them too. The 'perfection' process was too hard to comply.

BUT with Rabb the requirements HE made were easy, were NEVER CHANGE. Pray 5 times a day, fasting during Ramadhan, pay zakat, eat only from halal sources etc but the key is to go back to HIM everytime. And yes, I know many would say that it is impossible but Rabb is with us at EVERY TRIAL. Meaning, try. Put away the selfishness, anger and complaintment and get to know the impeccable Rabb, HIS mighty and HIS never ending love grace for us.
I saw few people sailed this way to their Creator and Mashallah I tell you! Their changes was wow! How they toned down their anger and be less complaining. I adore them, always.

And they also prayed for me, that I will be granted with abundants of Rabb guidance and helps after this. Hey, I know this is not easy pissy. But, Try.

As for me, I had lost my "grateful & thankful" sense so longggg ago and it did not even rang me when I lost it chunks by chunks. So now I am putting my biggest step forward to start back from zero and be a Muslim to its true content. I have this feeling of how little time is left for me to amend my sins but I try very consistently to stay focus on "correcting actions" rather than meerly grieving nonethelessly. I motivated myself that if I was about to die and I knew I had lots of sins so do I will remain in past and cry and to waste the "now" I have? Then that is the real lost.
So I giddy up, and find answers for my own doubts about Islam, about Quran and all that relates to them. I listen to talks by Ulama' and eminent Muslim figures through videos and their Q & A sessions are usually filled with non-muslims queries. And almost all of their questions are those that I wanted to know and more, I am not even reach their level to generate those questions either. Subhanallah! They are non Muslims yet they learn Islam and through them, I learn too. And I reflecting myself on which stages I am since my knowledge in Islam was extremely shallow that I failed to recap many basics in Islam teachings.

That is truly not cool. Which Heaven would accept me that way? We are so demanding for the greatest of the bestest yet we give almost nothing comparable to it.

I am thankful that I am meeting good people whom share almost the same journey as me and they are very encouraging.

So dear readers, I really hope that we will all pray for each other for better and that we will motivate ourselves to be a better Muslim. Please be supportive in any way we possibly can and have trust in Rabb.

He Listens.
He always 💜 us.

Good versus Good bad

You know what? It is hard to be a good person. And its also hard to be a bad person.
Tonight, I did something which I didn't know whether it was good or 'too bad' or just 'bad in a good way' or "good in a bad way."
The story goes when i decline some one's wish but i did it with my uttermost respect to him. Not even the sligthiest disrespect nor hogh voice from me. And that person said , okay. Nvm.
And we do believed that we are in a very good terms. But those people around me when they listened to my story without being there by themselves to see the situation with their own eyes, started the debate and own court to judge where am i wrong this time?
Okay. I may not see between the lines of what that person really means but I don't feel comfortable people talking about it like i just did a homicide. They make me feel extremely bad. I was so confused on what wrong i did? I also slightly feel that i may be wrong by declining but it was all good that time! I swear!

And now i am all left feeling so confused and guilty about things that i'm not sure. Later, the person comes out and he seems as good as always. Again, i am so confused with this peoples' court!

One of the thing i hate is that people coyying with my feelings. And i gradually taking their bait. And i started to run for that person whom i believed i've wronged. And when i did, that people will get shock and consider me as "those that hard to move on."

Oh man..!

Happy 21st Dear Me

Tonight I'm turning 21 people....!!! I'm getting older and older but young at heart. Insyallah... I hope so.

And I sleep very late to watch my favorite movie and eat a lot of cakes and desserts! They were hand made, specially for me by awesome cook!

Oh I'm a happy birthday gurl yo!

Alhamdulillah.

I watch this very inspiring Hindi movie del dewani hay jawaani or sth like that.. and I quickly realised that I less respect times. Times won't wait for you, they just pass and never come back. And we cannot do all things we want. So we must respect times and what it gives us ; parent's, family, loved ones and even hardship needs to be cheerished and appreciated.

Stay with what makes you happy. Every miment is important. 💓

Secret Recipe & Pop-up Card

I'm getting old... I totally forgot that tomorrow is my birthday. Even I write the dates in my training log book daily, it still doesn't ring a bell of my birth date.

Pfftt.

And today is the 15 May.. and tomorrow is my real birthday. I am genuinely thankful to Allah for completing me with all I need to survive this life.
Alhamdulillah, from the bottom of my heart. 💗

So my little sister was very very excited to celebrate my birthday. And as an adult, it makes me so happy to see a kid's true feelings when she tries hard to buy a present for you (from her parents pocket money of course).

My liltle sister always want to show that she cares more than any one else and I am truly happy and blessed to see her that passionate about remembering others special days.

Keep up that good habits Gudi!😊

Plus,  this year my big sister bought me a slice of chocolate cake from Secret Recipe and I am so so excited! It's the effort that matters the most..., (apart from I am hungry at that time). And Dina had this shopping spree with Abah at DIY Store. And when she got back I got this cute velcro sealed paper bag with tiffany blue ring box and a Pop up card!!

I can't find any words to describe how much I'm touched by a 9 y/o gestures. I know some people may superficialize the happiness because we need to show the kids that we appreciate but not this time, not with me.

I really reallt appreciate Dina's effort in keeping my presents well hidden in Mama's bedroom and not letting me "getting nothing" on my special day.

Its true that most of the times kids-they don't lie. Even at times they say they hated you but at the end of the day, their true feelings show.

I'm still smiling in my heart and my jaws are in pain for laughing non-stop due to my endless excitement from Dina's warm gifts.

I will cheerish this little little gestures and remembrance from others FOREVER💖

Thank you Allah.

Thank you everyone💞

Lecturer

TOday is the day...! My lecturer come to assess me on my industrial training. I was worry to received her visit because she does look scary and stern. However, I was totally wrong! She was very soft-spoken and full of motherly personality. I was so happy that our first meeting was great and friendly. 

THE BAD THING is that I was over talkative and I regret that.

*face palm triple times*

I was so happy that I finally met her [and I did not know why I'm that happy], and I started to be talkative to tell her all my experiences and tasks done at BERKAT. I was eeeeeextremly comfortable with her that I think I shouldn't be like that cause it was OUR first meeting but, she was so comforting and so understanding that at times I thought her as my friend. 

We are so honored that my company  Founder a.k.a Managing Director joined us in the meeting room for the audit. [sangat...]

And I'm still telling her stories of what happen here and did little tour guide for her to know the neighborhood companies. 

Basically, I DID NOT STOP TALKING.

I keep on talking, showing how happy I am to be in this company [which I truly AM] and to share the uniqueness and specialties of my OH Clinics compared to the other clinics. 

I send her to the way out and we still converse through the whole way. 

*face palm me again*

She said she wanted to go around the NU Sentral Mall and I offered to show her around. She politely declined saying I must go to work. Yes, that is right. I quickly regret the offer I made. 

So off her went into the crowd straight into the mall. Before I let her go, I shook hands and salam her. It was natural and I like the no-awkwardness situation in our first meeting. 

But, what borther me so much is that , I left her a message telling her thank you and i hope we have more time to talk and i appreciate her visit and hope she has a safe journey back home. 

SHE DIDN'T REPLY ME ...!

Am I being too friendly? Am I doing something wrong some where?

Am I pushing her somehow? Am I doing things right? Or did I spoke something wrong which I think maaaaaaaaaybe I did but during that moment, she was in the conversation too. She was laughing VERY VERY HARD. and LOUD... 

I just hope she ran out of credit [which is ridiculous because I'm sure she used the billed ones] & that's why she cannot reply my text.

But above all, I hope and pray that she reached home to her family safe and sound.

Aminnn.

Be

I am always jealous over other people who are far more successful than me.

It's a positive jealousy-of course.
Like these days, my fellow course mate is promoted to be a leader even she just been an intern for a month. And, that is the first time the company made that history. Others, like Vivy Yusof whom I adore so so much keeps on climbing on higher and higher and I just cannot stand looking at her success without being as successful as her.

And I always want to be like them because I know exactly how sweet it is to be on top of the chain after a long haul. I've been there before and it's a lie if I say I don't want to repeat the history.

BUT the thing is, I also been in a situation where I become so greedy and trying to grab all the success I thought I can. BUT I cannot.

There is this Malay proverb, "yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran." which means, you are so busy chasing something else ahead that you are actually losing what you already have by now.

And it hits me when bit by bit of my hard work on other things are gone and I end up getting no recognition of my work.

After those days, whenever I see those people getting better in their life, I am still jealous and it hurts my pride, why can't I be like them?
BUT that doesn't mean that I don't learn from the past and I forget what I said before.

So, I realized that WE as human, we should be wise to choose the path we want; the career, studies, or hobbies. We need to believe that each individual have different path and they like different things. We have unique preferences and we also have different needs to fulfill in this life. We have different targets and different hearts to please. So we work out on something for different purposes and that's why we cannot do too many things at one time. We cannot be too greedy in chasing success until we didn't see the essence of our hard work-the bigger picture. And the most important are the Blessing and Integrity in the work we do.

Of curse, we need idols as our role model.
We can Adore other people as much as we can but remain faithful to our self.
Be good to our self, be good to others. Never lose track of own identity. 
That is the most important in life.

BE GREAT in what ever responsibilities given to us. It is okay if you are not good in all thing because that is human nature; we are not perfect all the way from heaven.
We are very very unique to each other and possess different abilities and gifts.
Try to embrace that specialties and the flaws because without it, we won't learn.

And the highlight is, Allah is there, always and forever. In any situation, in any condition.
BE GRATEFUL IN WHATEVER GIVEN TO US because He knows it all-The only BEST for us.
Pray a lot and ask for His Favor to ease our journey.

May all of our wishes come true. [+  lot of hard work & effort. ]

THAT ONE who knows it all

I looooove to chat with people and mingle around, knowing different characters and unique personalty. However, i am really depress IF THERE IS THIS ONE PERSON WHO TALKS LIKE HE/SHE KNOWS ALL even if we talk about something very personal like somebody's health condition. 

If someone is sharing her/his story to others, it is NOT POLITE to criticize his/her decision as if you and the speaker are sharing the same body and experiencing the exact same pain the speaker is feeling. [When obviously YOU ARE NOT].

IT IS RUDE to dissed people and act like what the speaker experiencing is no big deal and whatever option the speaker decides, as an excuse for him/her to escape their self. 

You know, when this person starts to talk the words are not even close to your queries. yet, this person keeps talking like this person knows it all. It's like this person is controlling the world and nothing escapes of this person and there is no "out of control" / "unexpected"situation for this person or so, i think. 

I quickly realized, there is NO WAY this person could be a good listener. 

An advice to that person;

You NEVER know what will happen. We are not sharing one same soul that feeling the same great pain. So I don't think you should make the live or die decision for someone else. You DON'T KNOW ALL THINGS. Stop acting like you are always right and others are not. You may have the upper hand and lucks but we deal with different situation EVERYDAY. So, one 20 years ago story cannot be adapted to nowadays situation or even today's situation because GOD created everyone differently. And. everyone should respect each other decision.