Alhamdulillah another day living

Alhamdulillah. Today another day we live happily and in serene. We should say the good things first before the bad things. What i mean is,aybe you have bad news to say and its inevitible But start your word with "Alhamdulillah for today but we have bad news to say..."

Its a great practice. To always see the good thibgs first  and appreciate Allah. It also don't make us overlook the happiness even the little little ones around us. Plus, it shows how grateful we are to Allah when we start the sentences with praises to Him and His Givings.

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So today, i try hard to handle this idk what anxiety or sth.. i let myself find good reasoning.. and revert back to Allah.. i found that Quran always help. What would i do without Quran? My soul might be floating around and problems still piling up.

Idk whether my guts telling the truth or not because at times, i don't even believe my self. We are not saint. Thats why we need to hold to Allah whom is always kind and never wrong. We gotto balance ourself. Its hard.

I try not to think too much of the signs even i feel it. It might be something else. We never know. The more we think and stressing about somehting, the more it will appear as what we fantasize and not as what it is in real life. Body and mind work together. So if we too focus on the signs let say, then the body will react as we think. Giving us the signs even we don't have anything wrong with us.

Thats right- the biggest foe is always ourselves.

Now Ain, beat this foe! Don't be paranoid. Don't overthink. Its very unhealthy and dangerous!⚠⚠⛔🚫

Sometime you just don't know

I've been thinking about death quite some times already for the past few months. Of course I'm scared thnking is this the signs of death? Am i going to die very soon?

Every living will past death. Thats for sure. But i'm scared thinking that i have too much to settle yet. I am not ready.

I feel pulses under my belly button and i don't know if it just me or what. Sometimes its there and sometimes its not. I had this before - the exact same situation, in fact worse but years past by & Alhamdulillah I still doing good. So thats why i doubt myself but im scared what if this time its is. Wallahu.

Ya Allah, panjangkanlah umur kami sekeluarga dengan kesihatan yang baik Ya Allah. Please . Amin Ya Rabbalalamin.

On other hands, i want to cook for my mother & abah tomorrow morning insyallah. My heart break to pieces when my mom told me she did not eat during the day to save money for us. I just can't.. words can't describe.. it feels so wrong.. so i try to make up for things like this. This should not happen you know.. she worked hard.. her job is not easy.. she needs food.. she needs energy, calories. 

Ya Allah, please jagakan my mama..my mama...my mama.. and abah fot the rest of the life. ❤
Amin.

So...

Im so scared of death. All the time. The "what if" question got me really into depression and paranoia. I was and am scared right now thinking if i cannot see tomorrow's sunlight. I've been in this situation many times before but this time im into taking this as 'different'  but i also think i will be okay later. I don't kbow what happens to me. Sometimes we just get emooo. I scared because i didn't have ebough good deeds for my self. I have owes to settle but i can't yet because im not working. Its so worrying. I cannot be at peace. I want to go to Mekah. I want to stay in Aleppo, Syria, Gaza, Palestine, to help them be with them. I have a lot to do.

Ya Allah, panjangkanlah umur ku dan seluruh ahli keluargaku Ya Allah. Ampunilah kami Ya Allah. Ampunilah kami.

Deep in my mind & heart

You know what guys? Lately my mind has gone WILD i mean really really wild. I don't know whether its my mind alone or my heart has problem but i think its my heart all the way. I also feel this slightly but quite intense headache like never before. (I keep thinking SALT is the cause of this) Well, gotta keep a healthy diet now. I also started to feel very very super duper unhealthy. I ate terrible junk foods, months without exercise, heart was in bad emotions, mind wondering around and getting rusty.

I don't really feel good. Heart doesn't feel good... minds erghhh. Think i need to brush up myself. Be closer to Allah SWT , read Quran, Fasting and do more sedekah and good deeds so i can cleanse these black dots in my heart away. Insyallah. Ameen. ❤

Dosa-dosa

Selalu aku fikir yang will Allah forgives me? This ME whom is always ignorant, snobbish, a sinner? I know Allah sangat-sangat pemaaf but everytime I did sins it felt so stupid. I have the will to stop it from doing, still i sinned. I wronged myself especially Allah. I become ungrateful not want to remember how Allah always help me; always listen to every single thing i want, things i pray for, always listen to a things i didn't / couldn't say, things i kept quiet about, things i afraid to confess, things that no human can understand, things that are so complicated even i sometimes, can't get it myself either. He knows me too well. Allah closer to me than me with my own soul. Allah is closer that my heart with its beating, closer than the blood flowing through my veins, Allah is closer than anything in this world.

I never want to question the situation; will He forgives me?-because I know He does it all the time. Otherwise i won't be living now. He continuously forgives me all the time and let me live another day so that i know that i did wrong, i wronged many hearts and i haven't completely repent yet. Another day living is actually another chances and Allah keeps giving me the chances Masyallah. Im so lucky i am.

But still, everyday i sin my self and disappoint Allah. Im not a good servant & far from being pious but i know i have good heart. Allah promised that a good heart will only be in good soul. Become a good person.

I know i cannot stop making sins but i can lessen it. I can never give up from be on the right lane towards Jannah. I know that with some restriction i can completely cover my aurat. I know that with strict practice and schedule i can pray on time and do more Tahajjud. I know i can. I know.

I don't know much about other knowledge i. this world  and i'm still learning too..but i'm really sure i live for Allah. I want to be that person whom Allah will be so proud to mention my name to the sky and angels. I want to live and die as a Muslim in which Allah upgrades my honor by His side. That kind of pride and dignity. I want Rasulallah to be proud of having me as His ummat and i want to walk beside Him at the Thereafter and to drink from His hands at the Kautsar Well.

Am i being irrational?

No I Am Not.
I still make mistakes everyday , every seconds but at least i need to try keep-on adding good deeds in my scale as well. Balancing. I must ignore the whispers of "i'm not forgiven" or "will Allah forgives me?" Because He obviously does! Allah Maha Pemaaf dan kemaafaan Allah amatlah luas meliputi seluruh alam. Kelembutan Allah amatlah lembut melebihi apa yang manusia bayangkan sedangkan bayangan tu pun tak sedikit pun menggambarkan lembutnya kasih sayang dan kemaafan Ya Rabb.

Ya Rabb. I am sorry for all things i've done. For all sins i committed. It was all on me. I cannot be at peace thinking all that. I know i was all the blame-solely. I am sorry Allah. I'm sorry.

Lailahaillallah Muhammadur Rasulallah . There's no God except Allah and Prophet Muhammad is His Mesangger.

Kita ni betul-betul bergantung hidup

Kita ni betul-betul bèrgantung hidup pada Allah Taala. Kita tak begitu perlukan benda lain atau orang lain sebanyak kita perlukan Allah dalam hidup.

Kalau kita asyik hanyut dengan kebergantungan hidup pada dunia ni, pada manusia, pada duit atau syaitan then hidup kita tak kan pernah cukup sekalipun kita manusia terkaya di dunia.

Pelikkan? Manusia kaya raya tapi bunuh diri sebab kemurungan. Basically kita akan fikir duit banyak boleh beli apa ja tapi mati sebab murung? Like-what?
Tapi sèbenarnya dia jadi begitu sebab dia dah bèli "segalanya" tapi die tak boleh "claim" diri sendiri dari Tuhan.

Means, yes you got thè world but thè world isn't what satisfies you. The world isn't what you looking for. This world cannot make you complète. Your heart is not at peace. Alcohol can't help you. Rehab cèntre cannot stop you. When this happens I think God means business-one to one, with Him.

Untung. Untung orang yang dapat that chances to "meet" Allah and "listen" to Him. Then ,ONLY THEN the whole world feels right. Why kita jadi miskin or jadi kaya, why kita jatuh or bangkit  why orang kita cintai pergi, why kita ditimpa musibah; all whys akan make sense. Akan ternampak apa sebab jadi and apa kita kena buat.
Benda ni susah tapi Allah tu mudah. So Dia mesti mudahkan. Thats His nature. Dengan Allah tak ada susah yang selamanya susah. Tak ada payah yang makin lama makin payah.

Easy.
Allah Taala ada semua jawapannya.

Can you imagine living without faith? Faith ni kaitannya dengan "terlalu risau". Hidup kalau terlalu risau jadi paranoid. Terlalu fikirkan apa akan jadi kalau..Kalau. Kalau. 10 years time? How? What if?? If i this then what will happen?? If i don't would it be..??
Mana ada benda yang pasti selagi kita hidup. Guys. Allah tak ada sebarang keburukan. So apa-apa leads to Allah is winning. Is good things. Is great. Is good end. Is all the goodness and you are the winners.
Simple.

Thats why kena ada faith, percaya pada satu asas yang paling berasas which is Allah Taala. So kita tahu yang apa pun pilihan keputusan kita, bila ianya berbantukan Allah Taala, kita tahu at the end of the road it still Allah.
We still winning. Is always right.

Kalau tak ada faith kita akan di-pull over kehulu ke hilir tak ada direction jelas yang kita ni usaha gila-gila hanya untuk pecahkan hati sendiri. Why?
Sebab hidup bukan sweet all the way. Kita akan gagal sometimes, kena teruk. Thats nature. The good must comes with the bads and vice versa.

Kalau tanpa faith bila kita jatuh kita akan jatuh selamanya sebab kita tak rasa ada harapan atau ada entiti lain yang lebih berkuasa selain diri kita. Bertuhankan diri sendiri ni bahaya. So kalau kita jatuh after usaha gila-gila sekalipun kita akan rasa fail gila sebab dh usaha pun still tak dapat reward then apa lagi besar dr tu?

See the bigger picture.

Lain kalau ada faith. Jatuh boleh bangun sebab ada takdir. Kita tak risau sangat sekalipun  lepas usaha kita gagal sekali dua sebab kita tahu hidup tu ada balancingnya yang tersendiri. Dengan Allah, susah tu tak kan selamanya susah. Yang susah mesti akan jadi mudah. Berbantukan Allah Taala, at the end of the road semua kita buat will lead to Him, and semua yang lead to Him means WINNING. AND WE ARE THE WINNERS.

Sekian at 2:18am.

Salah pada diri sendiri?

Selalunya kita asyik dengan salah orang pada kita sampaikan kita tak pernah fikir salah kita pada diri sendiri. Salah orang pada kita boleh dimaafkan sebab ego orang lain-lain. Ada tinggi rendah. Boleh tolak ansur.
Tapi nak maafkan diri sendiri? Susah. Sebab semuanya ikut ego sendiri. Nak lawan ke, marah ke, suka or tak suka semuanya atas diri sendiri.

Boleh ke maafkan diri sendiri semudah tu?

2 am post

So this is a very late night post. I had a lot in minds (whyy WHYY it gotto be at this time). But the gist is "I want to have many things that i don't need at all". Or in easier words, big lust.

When iphone 7 breaks out i feel that "oh mann, i gotta have this beast!". When google pixel came out i was "Gosh. MUSSSSST haveeee!" I'm trying to keep my self updated or so and started to see the mobile specs, when they will come to Malaysia, latest review, PRIICE, even the carriers the came out with! So full hands!

But what i fail to realize is that i already have those machines. Not the exact machines but the fact that i'm typing this blog post using a smartphone, i should be grateful enough. Why would i want to 'keep updated' with trends when all i have now is already sufficient?

Peeking the internet amd the stores website, clicking "buy now", "add to my cart", "pay by" and those thousands RM numbers it just don't feel right. Its lust, not a need.

I'm okay with people who love gadgets and technologies and devoted themselves (or their pockets) for cool items like smartphones and sorts but i don't really think i need them so badly. (Or atleast for now).

Apart from their prices that are Ya Allah.. Mashallah..Astaghfirullahalazimmm...*shrudder* I need to save up money for better purposes. Like for my college. Trending is nice, following the trends make us look cool and modern. But we should never forget our BILLS, RENTAL, CREDIT CARDS PAYMENT at the end of the month. Oh and foods! And gas! And utilities! And etcc etcc etcc.

So dearself, lets prioritize things. Soon enough, there'll be iphone 8, ip8plus and etc. This trending will goes around and round-endlessly. If you can catch-up everytime, thats cool. If you can't, thats cool too, as you learn and know that this trending circle would never comes to an end -_-. So theres always next time, soon and future.

The bottom line: SPEND YOUR MONEY RIGHT
-_-

My bed

Among other places in my home i couldn't take risk for what will happen on my bed. My bed is my life. FULLSTOP. My bed is my rest place that makes me feel so confortable. My bed is not luxurious or even a single bed. Its a double decker but mine is on top. I got direct wind from the fan, I had best sun shines in the morning and great sun rays through the curtains, I had the closest chirping sounds for the birds nest on the ceiling. Basically, it comfortable for me. I can waive other things happen to other corner in my house but not my bed. I simply cannot accept people step on my bed, mess with it or put things on my bed. My house is small and limited for 5 people to share and live together. So most of the area in side my house are not owned individually by any person. You cannot even you think that area supposed to be yours. So the only few inches that I can called mine is my bed. That I make up everyday, that i lay down every night no matter how lazy i feel sometimes to climb up. Its the only place i feel that i can discard all ridiculous things happen in the house, the noise, the unwanted things and i don't care what happens sometimes, i just sleep simply because i want to. Even the temperature outside getting warmer and hotter, my pillows in bed still freezing cold. My favorite pillow ahhh. Feel so good, always. If its rain in the evening and i snug in to my bed, it provides me the warmness,  literally. I seem like a craycray falling in love to my own daily bed but its a bed people. Where you had your hopes, dreams, silent tears and your quietly prayers all the times. My bed ❤❤