Ain: In Quest to Find Allah

Hye my name is Ain (means eyes in Arabic). I was born a Muslim and i want it to remain that way until the end of my life.

But to be a faithful Muslim is hard because i always make mistakes. Assuming human are all like that, i don't like allowing myself to do sins again and over again. To be frank, the sins i've got in hands now are unbearable anymore. The whole times i remember my mistakes i just feel don't want to live anymore. But i also not ready to die. Because i have a lot of sins to repent to. So i think, why would i wish to die and meet Allah with all my sins? Allah never ask me to die whenever i remember my past mistakes. What Allah teaches me to do is to repent and repent everytime we do sins. See? I completely think the opposite.

Islam is not a religion of you-sin-you-die. Islam, through Allah by His Massenger Prophet Muhammad, teaches us that Islam is the only religion where you-sin-you-go-repent for Allah will surely forgive you. Allah is The Most Forgiving remember that!

So i talk to myself a lot, that this is not the way. Islam is not hard. Allah never ask me to do hard things in hard ways. Prophet Muhammad pbuh never teach me bad lessons. So where all this bad ideas coming from?

Shaytanirrajim. None others.
Even i feel like it comes from my heart and mind, tell ya its not me. Its shaytans' whispers, poking your faith to do many things that completely opposite from the truth.

I went through up and down just like everybody else just that my real fights have always been about me, with myself, on my faith, in my heart. Silent killer. I need to convince myself my religion is the only religion that is true and holy. And its hard to pace things on constant speed all the time. So i give excuses everytime i have bad imagination, wrong perception and fantasies and heart crossing that eventually im out of excuses. Which i know i will do. So when the excuses run out, i say hey this is not saving myself. This is not becoming better. This is escaping. Not being responsible enough to your faith. Not being responsible in getting to know Islam the way it is and not giving excuses to myself! So i thought, thats it! This has to stop NOW.

It hurts me so bad that it affect my activity, my mood, diet and way of thinking. Basically, its like cancer spreading and i have to fight harder everytime when the past wounds have not healed yet.
Its tiring.
Its really really tiring.

But i've been there--became a better Muslimah, where you feel the sweetness of imaan, the blessing of friendships in Islam, the mercy and grace of Allah, infact i even got my prayers answered right after i pray silently in my heart in crowd!

So, like i say; been there, feel it, through it. And i never want to stop tasting the sweetness of Islam the way it changes my life 360° to the best!

So i never ever want to give up. Because i know Allah just want our hearts. Nothing else. And because i know the only bet on this fight is my heart. So hell no im giving up, giving away my faith to other than Allah Taala!

So the fights continues, till now, it never stops and i feel like developing disorders. Its serious to an extent i just cancel everything when my heart feels so downnnnnnnnn excruciatingly downnn. This is where i call "the attacks" come. It hurts right in the core,deep down in heart, blocking every rational thoughts to stay alive, exactly like my heart is about to explode.
Every second passes i ask myself what is that i'm having right now?

Panic attack?

It slowly develop deppressions and i just cannot handle things anymore. I feel so guilty about my heart, thinking and minds that i pray to Allah to give me a new heart. But then i think, everyone gets one heart one soul. If you don't like or don't want your own heart you cannot replace it nor get new one. You can only cleanse it and fill it with knowledge and repent. Thats how you get to feel "new heart".

Hearts blackens overtime due to endless sins we did. Guess mine is critical among others. Of course i'm not killing or what but the heart crimes i did were far beyond imagination. I apologise Allah. I am sorry.

So what i do is utilising the data i got, and look for reading materials online. I prefer Yasmin Mogahed's blog. Its just like shots i need to regain and reclaim my heart. Of course Quran is my main medication but a lot of the meaning in Quran needs explicit explanation from the good teachers,which i don't have anyone yet for now. (But really looking forward to have classes very soon!)

Rather than saddening and comtemplating on  this test, i must cure myself! Find ways to heal this! To get better! To be healthy! Above all,to cleanse my heart and return to Allah with clean heart and soul Insyallah.

I realize that i don't need funny videos merely to get me distracted from this faith illness. Thats just another escaping, Ain!

I need knowledge!
I need to know Islam!
I need to learn the Quran!
I need to learn the Usuluddin!
I need to learn the Qiraat!
I need to learn why Allah is unseen.
I need knowledge on why i pray, why my heart speaks on its own, and against my will.

I need knowledge.

So Alhamdulillah, im everybit delighted tonight because i finally regain some insights on what i truly need, what i truly feel and what i truly believe.
I just need to read and attend classes. And learn to know Allah Taala.

I have many questions about my own faith and not being understand on why you pray, fast, why heart speaks, why Quran states this or that, and me giving excuses to myself all this while--its just sickening to not to know why you do these sacred ibadah.

So i don't want my excuses anymore. I want the true facts! I don't want those excuses that holds me okay just for seconds because the other way around, the same question pops up and i have no more excuses. Plus i remember the questions i asked  to myself and i don't like it that way. I hateeee it to think that Islam is bad because me myself is a Muslim and i never been any happier than being one Alhamdulillah!!

So which part of me is saying and denying God and His existence and all those bad things going around my heart and thoughts?!

I need to mend my heart and soul. I need the experts on heart and faith issues. I need those doctors that can answers my question.

On good sides i look this as a bigger turning points so i never going back to the old me. In my quest to search for Allah, i'm willing to sacrifice everything Insyallah! This heart needs repair and touch ups!

I don't want to come to Allah in Judgement Day wih empty handed and empty hearted, with few good deeds.

Thats not the Thereafter i want to be in.
In quest to find Allah, i feel how it feels like to be disconnected to Allah and how miserably my life and emotions have been!
Nothing ever right! I cried , i deppresed, i got the disorders- excruciating critically deeply in pain and unbearable.

In quest to find Allah,i'm willing to start over with little knowledge i know about Islam and learn,back to basic about what Islam is.

Allah  i'm coming to you. Thank you for bearing with me all this time and forgives all my sins and answers all my prayers.

Ya Allah, i'm coming to you. Please ease my way, please give me good end, please blessed my studies to get to know you, please have mercy on me, please blessed my knowledge on You and Islam and make me closer to you with it.

I submit my self to you completely in this journey as i'm coming back to you. To Home.

Insyallah.
Amin.