Tonight, again, i shed tears during prayers in silence at the corner of my bed. It was special night because after so long i feel disconnected with Allah, i actually regain the connection back Allahuakbar Alhamdulillah Lailahailallah!
I read through Yasmin Mogahed's articles and find exactly whats in my heart, what i've been through right now. I may also have found some answers.
I genuinely, sincerely want to give all up just to go back to Allah. To return to the real Islamic teachings, to go Home to Allah. I am nervous and have doubts too but my heart issues are bigger than my doubts and all i want right now is to go back to Allah!
This is awakening. After so long i got confuse on what is these things happens to me? Is it Allah punishment, is it because of all my sins, is it because Allah does not want me anymore, is that why i feel totally disconnected, is it Allah does not accept me? These are the things i used to believe until tonight i realize that this is all the Awakening.
Look at my "is it?" none of them are positive. None of them show me being good to Allah. None of it shows that i give good perception to Allah. Right. So now i know its all shaytan!
This is my pitfall and pit have rise too. I forgot that. I need to understand that imaan will go up and down even i don't realize it (like now, it happening to me). If imaan falls down even to the lowest point, it means to go back up and go back to Allah. If iman was too high and we feel so powerful and good enough, it means to go back down a bit and go back to Allah. Either way i was feeling, both means to go back to Allah. Its the call from Allah definitely.
Yes. It must have directly associated with our sins, our past, our mistakes or even if we don't do anything wrong, our imaan will still, always, rise and fall rise and fall. Its a cycle to make you feel and learn that at some points you're doing good and you must thank Allah Taala and at many points you're just the weakest on earth and must go back to Allah. You must.
Must!
When imaan is at the lowest shaytan will tells lies and make you feel you're the bad-est sinner ever existed on this world and that whatever you do or pray, you won't be forgiven. So you attempted to listen and started to careless on Allah commands. Big mistake! You might end up doing more sins and farther from Allah.
Remember! Even at the lowest imaan it still always mean to go back to Allah nonethelessly.
When imaan is at the highest you think or feel of, thank Allah. You are not doing more prayers or more fasting or more sedeqah than you usually do out of your own energy or ability. Its all Allah givings temporarily for you. Never think you are well enough on your own because we don't create ourselves so of course the strength too is not from ourselves. Remember that! And when you're at this stage, shaytan are also there to tell you that you are self sufficient, you don't need other people, you are better and we may end up being the worst loser and lost every good deeds we had done.
Even if imaan is at the highest, it also means to always go back to Allah so that we never ever forget that this will eventually go down and ask Allah to help us when the time comes.
See?
This is my awakening call i am surely sure Insyallah.
Even it starts off bad or good and how diferent i see this is, both ways, either way, it only means to go back to Allah Taala for He knows me the best and He is the only one that can forgive my sins and sustains me with all i need and grant me Jannah , Insyallah.
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