All my life i've been wanting to take full control of myself. The feeling of 'conciousness' when we talk or think something that we so sure its us & not our subconcious mind. I wanted to take charge of what i can and cannot say especially to put off once for all those hideous crossings of ideas and nonsense i heard in my heart.
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Deep down, its my goal in life. I wanted to able to remember what i thought for a second ago or, just be able to rewind back what had just happened three seconds ago. I know it sounds cray cray but trust me, all my life trauma had led me up this way; a way where once, i taught myself to forget all the pain and its event even it happened a moment ago because i couldn't deal well with it. So even after now, the habit goes on.
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Pretty much crazy, i regretted it the whole time..till now too. Like i'm losing control over my own mind that its automatically tuned into the habits. I wanted to remember what i thought just now yet 'it deleted' info wayyy to quickly. Bad things; i couldn't restore them.
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What i did ruined myself i know. Just because it looked "the best option" by that time, that did not mean to be the best option for now. I learnt my lesson in suchhh a hard hard wayyy.
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But now i am ready to correct things. I have to fix my own life and this mistake so i won't live in such despair and depressions again. Its a disease that you developed and evolved over years. And its dangerous. I admit my mistakes and focusing to make up my hearts back. The only way for this is Taubat Nasuha. I need to pray real hard and serious because this is about my life , my heaven, my pahala. The last things i want is all my pahala becomes dust-loser. I want to achieved that stage where Allah Taala is so proud of my iman, that My Prophet Muhammad also is so proud of having me as His ummat, and that at Mahsyar i gained the real winning and passes to enter Jannah.
Other goals are just inequivalent to any of those. This. Is. Important.
This. Is. Serious.
Its a business talk, one to one with Allah. No one can help us unless we help ourselves.
Allah Taala is the most giving- all we got to do is ask.
Whatever i do is Lillahitaala.
Lets #lillahitaala peeps!
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